Nothing to Fear...

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." ~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt 

For the first four years of fighting this disease, I operated with confidence. I learned a very complicated pharmaceutical regimen to help manage my disease and I mixed my IVs every 48 hours without fail. Sometimes a little glitch, i.e., forgetting to turn the pump on, forgetting to open the clamp, but never for more than a few minutes.

I learned that when I feel like I'm going to pass out, I should take it seriously and sit down immediately; not wait until I walk over to the couch, immediately. This will likely stop a syncopal event, or at least I won't further injure myself by falling down the stairs, or doing a 'faceplant'.

I exercised as much as I could. Typically hitting the treadmill 4 or 5 times a week to keep my muscles in condition which helps with oxygenation. I did everything I could to minimize the impact of this disease on my life and I did it with confidence and aplomb.

Today? Because of the events of the last month, I find myself paralyzed with fear. I'm afraid to go shopping for plants by myself.  I'm afraid to go to the grocery store. I'm afraid to run errands Will I get short of breath and pass out? Will I run out of oxygen? Will I not be able to finish what I started. I always feel a little thrill of victory when I accomplish something.

I'm afraid to take a shower. Will my Hickman catheter just fall out of my chest again?

I'm afraid to encounter steps. Will I be able to make it up all the steps to get where I'm going? If I sit down, will I have the strength to get up?

I'm afraid I will do something stupid with my medication – the other night I was without Remodulin for 3 hours due to my own stupidity and not thinking clearly. Had Alex not waken me up when he did I'm not sure what would have happened.

confidence [kon-fi-duh ns]

noun

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.
2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilites; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.
3. certitude, assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely. 

It's fairly obvious, to me, that the events of the last month or so, have utterly destroyed my confidence in managing this disease. Hopefully, with no more events and some smooth sailing from here on out, my confidence will return, because being paralyzed by fear is such a foreign notion to me – I can't let it rule my life. Shopping for plants. Getting groceries. A successful outing to the Twins Game (with accommodations). Getting all my flowers and herbs planted. I will savor the thrill of these victories, no matter how small; and hope the days of the agony of defeat are behind me.